6 Month Checkup

I usually know I'm due for my routine doctor's checkup when I start to have random panic attacks. They usually start with a slight tingle in the center of my palms. What comes next can only be described as LITERALLY FEELING LIKE I AM DYING!!!!! My heart starts to beat rapidly, thumping hard in my chest. My breathing begins to intensify, and I start to feel as if all the oxygen in the room is rapidly escaping somehow. My eyes shift in all directions as I scan the room in panic for a way to "make it stop!" Intense fear overcomes my entire body as I think to myself "is this it?!" The shear fact that I have asked myself this question countless times in my 29 years of existence is precisely why I appreciate my life so much! A constant reminder that not a day in this life is guaranteed. Since my illness began at such a young age and has gotten progressively worse over time, I live with the constant fear of getting hospitalized because something may be wrong. Although I don't consider myself to be a hypochondriac, I somehow convince myself I may be having a heart attack an average of three times a week. Fortunately I have perfected my skill of politely excusing myself to the restroom so I may stare into the mirror, taking deep breaths, and perhaps splash cold water over my face. Once I regain composure I am able to return to the general crowd as if nothing ever happened. The ones closest to me always seem to know as we exchange a reassuring glance, a way of communicating without words. All it takes is a quick wink from my sister-in-law to makes me feel so safe in an instant. I was particularly nervous last Thursday morning as my mother and I did the usual trek across the GWB (George Washington Bridge). I knew we had a long day of testing ahead of us as I suddenly realized it had been almost 6 months since my last visit. Standard procedure would include, EKG, Xray, Echo, Bloodwork, and Allomap (special new bloodtest used to detect early organ rejection). On average, transplant patients as far out as I am (time since surgery) need regular checkups/heart biopsies every 4 months give or take depending on the patient. During these heart biopsies, a small incision is made in the major artery of my neck and a tiny clip wire is strung down the artery straight through to my heart and tiny pieces are snipped and tested for rejection cells. I had this procedure performed twice a week, Mondays and Fridays, in the weeks directly following my heart transplants. And yes...I am awake the entire time! My stomach was twisted in knots as we turned into the circular drop off zone of New York Presbyterian, but loosened a bit with a friendly "Good Morning" from the sweet valet attendant. Im not sure I know anybody that enjoys going to the hospital and so this slight gesture of warmth and kindness certainly makes all the difference in the world. When you've been to the hospital as much as I have, everyone from the cleaning lady to the heart surgeon is like a piece of your "family".  Security guards confirm my identity by checking my license, however this is simply a formality as we have known them for over 8 years now. Stepping into the elevator I was greeted with another friendly familiar face, Dr. Linda Adonizio. Surely if God had a presence on earth it would be that woman! Among countless others, she has been an incredible physician and instrument of support who brought a glimmer of light into my life as darkness tried to overtake my existence. It was only a matter of seconds before she whisked off onto the 2nd floor to start a surely busy day but it was just enough time for me to be reassured that the day was going to be GREAT. 4th Floor, 1st room on the left was our stop.  The transplant secretary, Laura is always welcoming and does her best to make my day as quick and easy as possible. I love her for that! I was handed a med sheet and placed in an exam room. Being the busy woman that she is, mom takes this time to make a few important calls as we wait patiently for the doctor. The physician's assistant walks in and takes my height, weight, blood pressure, and confirms my medication list. Even after all these years my list of meds still amazes me. This is probably because medication compliance is my number one priority in staying alive! Taking meds late or missing doses entirely can cause immediate and severe stages of organ rejection. For those interested, I plan to reveal how I painfully had to learn that lesson the hard way in my upcoming autobiography. I sat back down on the exam table disappointed as I realized I was down in weight since my last visit. Sometimes deep down you know you have to change patterns in your life and it definitely sucks when you have to finally face that reality. I get really hard on myself at times because I know people look to me as an example of strength and simply want the best for me and so I do not like to let life's struggles get the upper hand on me. I knew I have been slacking on nutrition the last couple months and the numbers clearly proved it. After a few more minutes of waiting, Dr. Latif's warm yet confident presence interrupts my rambling paranoid thoughts. Dr. Latif is an incredibly intelligent and thorough physician. No matter how difficult the situation, I am always confident in her decisions. I never feel rushed during our visits, and there is no doubt in my mind that she has only my best interest at heart! Our relationship as Doctor and patient has grown quite strong over the years as she is a direct result of why I am still alive to this day. As much as I try, the reality is that there are no words to express my deep appreciation for what Dr.Latif has done for me over the years as my cardiologist! She was forced to make difficult decisions and at times was even willing to risk my approval or "liking her" to do the right thing in order to save my life. I believe this to be the true definition of professionalism and compassion. At this stage, I honestly have no idea what the rest of my life has in store for me. I would be lying to tell you that this very notion does not terrify me. However, with people like Dr. Latif in my corner at least I know I have a fighting chance! As I left our visit I felt empowered and ready to continue my fight. My doctor had answered all my questions and provided me with new techniques and strategies to tackle the obstacles I am currently facing. She gave me a plan to improve the quality of my life until our next visit. But MOST important she gave me her time and attention. And sometimes that means more than all the rest. 

A special THANK YOU to all involved in my care over the many years! A piece of my heart beats today for EACH and EVERY one of you. God Bless You ALL!