Last night I gathered the courage to sift through my most recent hospital journals and came across some very interesting entries. This particular entry struck me in particular because I can vividly remember how i felt the exact moment I wrote it!
[3 Days after tracheostomy: Written conversation to Psychiatrist]
"I feel like I'm losing my mind! Please make it stop! The voices in my head tell me crazy and scary things. I am afraid to go to sleep at night and I can't decipher whether I am awake or dreaming. I was having a lot of pain over the weekend but it is better today. I was having a large amount of secretions and so every time they had to suction, it would irritate the stoma site (the opening to my trachea) and cause it to bleed. Fortunately they haven't had to suction much at all today. I was having pain in my ankles and legs the last couple of days but now that I am out of bed that has been better as well. My physical therapist is very pleased with my progress. I could have done more but he did not want to push me because it was my first time out. Sometimes I get very nervous and feel like I need to go back on the ventilator because I am short of breath. Being out of bed has helped with that as well. Walking really helped today. Some days I feel like I'm stuck in prison! I just want to get out, feel the fresh air, eat a slice of PIZZA! My numbers look good, but being tied down to the bed and stuck in this room with all the IVs and stuff is starting to make me feel insane!"
Doctors had then predicted that I would need 24/7 in home nursing care for the remainder of my life. If only they could see me now, haha! This is certainly not the first time doctors have told me that I defy the laws of medicine, lol. I have overcome many obstacles since that time both mentally and physically. It was not an easy journey but I took small steps, one day at a time. At that point it seemed as if there was no end in sight. And somehow here i sit, nearly two full years later, with a contented smile on my face. I have won again! ;)