Sunday, December 13, 2015


     I had to learn the hard way that this place we call earth (considered by many to be hell) can be quite a terrifying experience at times. It's difficult, and getting passed the ugly can be so overwhelming. Over the course of my life, I've been scared, I've been let down, I've been lost, I've been depressed, and I've been devastated. Ive been "beaten" and broken, put back together, only to be broken back down again and again. My entire life since the age of six has consisted of just "trying to feel better" in all senses of the word. I have no idea what it really means to just be OK. Every hurdle I seem to overcome seems to be met by another, anxiously awaiting its turn to attack. I have to appreciate all the good times, because I'm consistently treading a line of "is this all too good to be true?" Sometimes I really wonder if someone above is laughing at me while my sense of happiness is repeatedly challenged. Is this supposed to be some kind of sick joke?

     In recent years, I have realized however, that I am not alone in my feelings. Almost everything that I have been through, someone, somewhere can relate. Last night I had such a refreshing conversation with a young woman fighting her own battle with MFM. Sharing our fears and frustrations left me feeling not only relieved but secure in knowing that we are strangely in this fight together. Better than any session with a therapist. As people, we are constantly looking to one another to hopefully prove that we can somehow overcome. Someone to show us that it doesn't have to be this way, you can find reasons to smile through the pain. Sometimes even just one person can make all the difference on a bad day. Venting is everything! We all get caught up, so don't give up on people because of their silly mistakes. It's not worth it. Stand together and fight for them! My hope is that in reading my book you can see that beyond your own personal cloud of darkness, happiness still exists. Whether you may be living with a chronic illness, battling drug addiction, conflicted about your sexuality, struggling to forgive those who have hurt you deeply, or losing a dear loved one...I can relate to you. I can show you that somewhere in there life is still worth living, life is still worth appreciating. You have to change your mental perspective! You have to decide that you want to fight and that you'll do whatever necessary to get passed the struggle. As I mention in my memoir "In life, no matter how ugly things get, you can always find the beauty. You simply have to know where to look." I have learned to appreciate so much in my life, because so much as been taken away from me. I am grateful to still be alive and be surrounded by people who love and support me. I am  still working however, to find true happiness within myself. For example. MFM is attempting to rob me of the belief that I am capable of being loved by a life partner. Who would ever knowingly take on such a burden? As my condition progresses, so does my feeling that I will just never be good enough. Fortunately I am blessed to have people in my life that remind me how unrealistic that is and how special I am everyday. It really doesn't hurt to pay someone a compliment. Be kind and courteous, maybe find it somewhere inside you to share a smile--you never know what someone is going through and how much that can help. Even just a simple head nod could be a reminder that we are NOT ALONE and if anything "I've got you." So many of my friends and family make me feel safe when there is a million reasons for me not to. We balance each other out, and when I'm with them I forget about all the madness. At the end of it all, we have each other. I don't consider these moments as an escape, but rather I look at them as a reminder that their are certain things that make life worth loving and enjoying.

If even ONE life is affected positively after reading my book. Then I have certainly done my job.

-1 Man, 3 Hearts and STILL ALIVE.

Book can be purchased at the link below:

1 Man, 3 Hearts, 9 Lives